gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
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