i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
