So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
