Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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