i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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