i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
