Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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