do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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