I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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