my phone needs a breathalizer
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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