You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
