god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
