Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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