I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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