My friends, they love my intelligence
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
