please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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