U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
