I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
