P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
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You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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