So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
