life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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