how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
