Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
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She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
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he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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