God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
being pregnant is like rehab
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
