She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
