i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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