You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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