when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
