my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
