I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
