Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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