Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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