Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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