and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
operation harelip BJ is a go
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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