the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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