her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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