I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
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