They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
