i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
