I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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