Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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