New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
