Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
