i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
where does the pee come out of this thing
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
