As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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