i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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