I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
