you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
