I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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