o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think I won the penis lottery.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
