my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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