The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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