I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he thought i was a dude.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
