Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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