She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
