He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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