You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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