When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
